Why are there no Dommes?

I have heard so many submissive men ask themselves: Why are there no Dommes? Why are dominant women so scarce, so hard to come by that finding one seems at times like the Quest for The Holy Grail? Under what rock are all the genuine ones, the lifestylers, hiding?

I must confess that today I am a bit upset.

Having been part of the scene for almost a decade now, I am jaded. I am used to being called Afentra, Padrona, Gozaimasu, Maitress, Mistress by those that do not really mean it. To be the worshipped Goddess, but also the whore.

-The whore???

So much literature, so many passages in human psychology deal with the dichotomy of the female image. Madonna or whore, Mistress or Wife, or in this case, Mistress or Vanilla. A Domme to many is somebody, or perhaps someTHING that is used to live a fantasy. By entering the BDSM-lifestyle submissives and Dommes reveal their sexuality. Even though BDSM is about so much more than just sex, it is one of the corner stones. Unfortunately, a woman who displays her sexual side is labelled a whore by many.

-Dommes are for sex, not for marriage.

I have heard that more often than I care to recall, lived and experienced it both personally and through others. The first few times reality hurt, then as time went by it mattered less and less. I learned to keep my heart to myself, to sort out the players and the on-lookers. Those looking for a quick fix. Sure, some still slipped under my radar, but at least the number diminished. A few genuine submissives were probably unjustly weeded out, as my criteria grew stricter, and for that I am sorry.

I spent part of yesterday evening explaining to someone that Dommes are human. That the lies he had told to a new, fresh Domme mattered. As he put it, it was never real. Dommes and submissives may live in a different world, but to the genuine ones it is more than just a game. It is about LOVE: our way of feeling it, showing it, giving and receiving it. Finally my words seemed to hit home, but I would not be surprised if he returns to playing with our hearts, Dommes are after all just imaginary beings in a fantasy world.

She too learned something yesterday, a lesson I wish she had been able to escape a little longer. She felt angry, mostly at herself for having trusted and desired someone who saw her as a distraction from an ordinary and boring life. I wish I could tell her that she probably WON'T encounter such an individual again, but instead I have to say that she probably WILL.

It really does not matter if it is a Domme who is hurting, or a submissive that has run into a fraudulent woman, posing as a Domme. This lifestyle is riddled with players from both sides, and they are tearing the scene apart from the inside.

Every day I fight to keep trusting, to stay away from cynisism and to believe that there is more. Every time my heart takes a blow, it becomes a little more difficult for it to peak out behind the thickening walls. Now, all I ask is that you take your time, be honest. Be real. Be careful with me.

In a perfect world genuine submissives and genuine Dommes would wear a sign, only recogniseable by their counterparts, displaying what we now keep hidden in our hearts. Until that happens, all we can do is support one another and keep battling hopelessness, jadedness and distrust. Take care of each other!