29 Dec 2007

How sadistic is too sadistic?

There is nothing I love more than hearing the moans of agony from somebody I have just dug my nails into. One may think that nails cannot do much harm, but imagine being stabbed by long, sharp and bloodred nails 30 times or more in the same spot. Eventually, it is going to hurt.

I am a sadist.

I absolutely love causing pain. Strong men have cried and begged for mercy at my hands, a couple have even passed out, (one of them disappointingly quickly.) What most people don't understand is that it is not just about the pain: It is about the submission to it.

The moans, the begging, the tears, yes even the fainting, are all the results of one thing: the desire to submit to me, to take pain for me. There are of course masochists, but unfortunately those are hard to come by. They are a challenge for even an experienced sadist like myself.

A masochist said to a sadist -"Please hurt me!". The sadist said -"No" and walked away.

Yes, the easiest way to hurt a masochist is by not hurting him at all. Right now, right this very minute, I want a masochist to push, to see how much he is able to take for me. I want to take my time, a day or more even, and to be deliberate about it. My sadistic self is strong today, almost unbearably so.

Having been single for about a year now, except for a short relationship, I have had the chance to test the waters quite a bit. Not once have I been able to let loose, to give my inner sadist free reins. I am constantly restraining myself and I end up not enjoying it. Perhaps I am just too sadistic... I want to do what I want to do. Not cause permanent harm in any way but to feel free. Feel the electical surges run up and down my body the way that they always do.

Sometimes I feel I should just go to the store and buy a punching bag, but unfortunately those just aren't enough, unless they have started selling human ones....

22 Dec 2007

Domme turns vanilla?

*This posting does not apply to the wonderful submissives that I know and that have treated me like a human being!*

I am tired now. Really tired of feeling like a living experiment.

Let me explain:
Yes my personality is dominant, and it is something I want in a relationship. That's it, there is the ugly word: relationship. I want to feel something for the person I am dominating. Sure , I can take the ropes out of the bag and turn anyone into a helpless pile on the floor, or order someone down on his knees to kiss my boots and and feet, but when it all comes down to it, it is not the same. It will not make my eyes light up with joy and pleasure, it is just a robotic game. It is not what I want.

Unfortunately there are too many that seem to believe that us Dommes exist for them to live out their dreams. They want to test and find out if they are really submissive, or if it is a vanilla life they need. - How else will I ever know what I want I constantly hear.

I am not a crash test dummy!

A lot of submissives say that it is just about what WE want but then start listing what THEY want. Only today I received a one-line-letter (one of several) -I want to strip for you on web cam

-Oh, good for you...!

Yes, I am angry, tired and bored. I am sad that it is only my dominant side that matters to so to so many. I am more than just a Domme. I speak to other dominant women that say the same thing. Some leave the lifestyle because of it, others stay. A close friend of mine now charges: - If I am going to be used, I might as well use! as she put it.

What about me then?

I notice that I spend less and less time in the scene here. I long for the genuine group that I once belonged to abroad, where it was about a lifestyle and not bedroom games (even though those can be fun as well). Those that remain call for me, and want me to come to them. To travel to a foreign country to be myself.

Should that really be necessary?!

I keep hoping for a little while longer, but only for a while. I do not want to live my life as a false vanilla...

21 Dec 2007

Is a Domme allowed to be weak?

As a Dominant woman I am strong. I can lead and reward, I can also punish. I choose when I let this side shine through, and with whom. The question I constantly as is whether or not a Domme is allowed to be weak sometimes?

Some say no, a Domme is per definition strong and should she prove to be weak the power balance would shift, and the very foundations of the relationship be shaken. It is her innate strength that guides and that is the focus. A requirement for the submissive to feel submissive.

Others say of course, it is the submissive's duty to support and to be someone the Domme can lean against when the winds blow cold. It does not matter who we are, we all face adversities sometimes.

Today I am weak, and even if I want to I cannot stop the tears that quietly roll down my cheeks. I have made a difficult decision, one that hurts so much. My heart is aching, breaking, yes even screaming aloud. My cheeks turn wetter with every passing second, but not a sound escapes my lips. With my back towards the others nobody can tell.

Is it a strength to not show weakness to others?


Among the worst feelings there are is irritation. It is simply.. irritating. An internal frustration with nowhere to go. (Thereby not saying that there are not enjoyable frustrations.) It makes me climb the walls, and my jaw muscles tense. A small crease can be seen between my eyebrows, my gaze turns hard. Let's face it: I have a temper!

Through life I have learnt how to control anger, hide sorrow, laugh at the right time and to ignore an insult. The question still remains though: What do you do about irritation? As a Domme I can choose to take out my frustration on my submissive, to let the crop hit his body or expose him to other kinds of pain, humiliation and frustration.

No, that feels like a not-so-wise-option. I do not always have my submissive present, the irritation is not always caused by his actions, and even when it is I must control my actions. I want to punish, when needed, with a clear mind, and therefore wait until my irritation subsides. Calculate and decide what I am going to do.

Tonight's irritation is mixed with a dose of understanding, which in itself makes it even more irritating. Part of this feeling is immediately directed towards the fact that it exists in my body at this very minute. Irritated that I am irritated... Yes it is almost ridiculous!

Oh well, the night is still young for some of us, and my shoes are standing by the edge of the bed. I am going to take a long midnight stroll in the pouring rain. Tonight, I am the one who needs a cold shower.

Time to put out a fire.

14 Dec 2007

Family traits

I wonder how much of our different lifestyle is genetic?

During my years as a Dominatrix I have encountered a few cousins, where both have been submissive. The cousins have entered into the lifestyle without notifying one another, in one case I think that they still do not know about the shared interest. In biology scientists talk about the co-operation between environment and inheritance, and our upbringing has of course played a big role in creating the individuals that we are today. Animals are sexually imprinted at an early age, not only to search for a specific gender but also to choose the right species. A large part of their mating rituals are however predetermined, and independent of their upbringing.

Are we the same?

When I encounter relatives the story is always the same. My facial features, the colour of my hair and my choice of profession is compared to earlier generations' choices which further makes me wonder about the traits I possess. Are my dominate and sadistic features also part of my family traits, but something that is not talked about? Something that is not even enjoyed? Only desired.....

My niece has come up with a new game. She takes my long hair, wraps it around my head and mouth, and happily proclaims: - Now you cannot speak! with sparkling eyes.

Once I played similar games, and I still do

What if....

Condemned Kinks!

I have noticed that within the BDSM-scene, as well as in other parts of the world, people are categorised by their kinks. Their traits, dreams and fantasies. In a world that is intolerant of those that separate themselves from the grey masses we continue to judge people even when we are part of the extremes. How many of us in the scene would not like to walk down the main street with a leash in hand, and live outwardly as we do behind shut doors? Why do we continue to judge those whose kinks are different from ours?

I am tired of running into people that have been badly treated by those supposed to be their equals, and share the same realm of interest.

Let's face it: We are all unique, all different. Me? Well I try to keep an open mind. No not all kinks are for me, but I know better than to dislike someone because of it. The next time you encounter someone whose taste is a bit different, stop and consider what others may think of yours...

The fine line between BDSM and vanilla

How do you find the perfect balance between vanilla and BDSM in a relationship where both aspects are included? I have previously experienced both of the extremes, and come to the conclusion that neither one is what I require in the long run. There are those that now would sneer: A 24/7 relationship where one partner is totally submissive and the other one totally dominant, isn't that perfect?

Let me explain what I mean:

The easiest thing to do in today's world is to settle for an equal relationship spiced with the missionary every Friday night, and on birthdays. To accept being like everyone else, to not deviate from the bell curve's highest point. I have tried to live this way, and realised that by doing so I give up on a large part of myself. Sure, I can function in a normal relationship, but that does not mean that it is something that makes me blissful.

The other extreme is a relationship where D/s is the only active component. Where my will is law, and where I do everything I want to. He has no chance to choose, no possibility to decide over his destiny, and I have no reason to take his feelings, reactions, pain tolerance and preferences into consideration when I plan our lives. The only thing I need to think about is his health and survival, because who wants to play with a broken toy?

A lot of people would say that the latter is real BDSM, the true version and that the rest is just games. My own experience tells me that even if that was very exciting and interesting, yes even rewarding for my dominant self, there was a component lacking there as well. In the long run it turned into a familiar masquerade. "This slave obeys, Mistress" is the answer to every command. "This slave agrees with your every opinion, Mistress" when one wants do discuss something interesting in the news. PERFECT some Dommes would say.

I guess I need some resistance in life. Not to the degree where I want to tame a dominant individual but that I need to embrace all sides of my personality. I need intelligent discourse, I need someone who can partake in my mundane existence, and at the same time someone who is aware of what I am: A strong woman with a huge need to control and desire to play.

For me it is just about finding the balance between those parts, but when does that occur?

Why A Dominatrix?

I controll men.

It has always come naturally to me to get men to do my bidding. It is not something I brag about, it is just the way it is. Further more, it is the way that I like it. I am not the only one. There are literally thousands of women out there that dominate their spouses, boyfriends or just the guy they picked up at the nearest bar. There are many more that dream of it.

To make the man so spellbound that he will do anything for her!

First there is a word that needs to be explained. Vanilla. A vanilla is a person who is not engaging in BDSM activities, and no, occasionally tying up your boyfriend's wrists during sex does not make you a non-vanilla. That simply means that you are imaginative.

I used to wish I was a vanilla

Imagine going down to the club, checking out a cute guy and being checked out. Eye contact is made, and you end up on the dance floor. As the night progresses you become more and more intimate and there is actual potential for a relationship. Basically, you have hit it off! Only time will tell what happens from now on, especially if he gives you the right phone number when he leaves in the morning.

-Imagine what? Isn't that the way it is usually done?

Believe you me, it is not easy to find a submissive man at a club, let alone one you feel attracted to. I have tried to be in a vanilla relationship but there is always something missing. I have fallen madly in love with wonderful men, yet found myself wondering what he would look like with his hands tied behind his back, or kneeling before me. I have wanted to create a life with them, but I could never get passed the longing. I would equate that with being a homosexual in a straight relationship. We have all heard the coming out stories; - I tried to be normal but I just couldn't live the lie.

When I was six I managed to convince a friend of mine to pretend to be my prisoner. I hung a sheet over my desk and she crawled into the space under it.

When I was 8 my mother asked me why I tied up the hands of my Ken-doll. I made up an excuse, hearing in her voice that something was wrong, but in my world, Barbie preferred it when Ken was immobilised.

When I was 11 I had a thing for a music group. When I fantasised about our encounter I pictured them hanging from chains, not bringing me roses and chocolate.

I could go on and on about such memories. Fact remains, I am wired differently than most. I never chose to be born with these desires, wants and craving but I am. I have two choices: To try to deny that they exist and forget about them or to live my life regardless of the stigma that comes with being a Dominatrix. I chose the latter.

To me, a bound man surrendering all of his body for my pleasure alone is, and will always be. the most beautiful sight in the world!