28 Jan 2008

I miss you....

It really is way to early, and I should be in bed sleeping. I am tired, it has been a long day and I need to sleep. I don't know if I will finish this post now, or if it will wait until morning, but I need to sort out my feelings right now.

The phone rang at 3 am.

Weary I picked up the receiver only to hear the voice of a very good friend of mine. Someone who has been in my life for what seems like an eternity. We have been through thick and thin. Both temperamental and emotional individuals, we have laughed, cried, and fought. No matter what we did, we always knew what the other one was thinking. S is important to me.

* * * * *

- Hi. I said, trying to shake the drowsyness


-How are you?

-I am alive. How are you? S's voice was soft and sad.

-I am fine. Why are you just alive?

-I am calling to say Good-Bye. I have to leave this, it is the last time you will hear from me.

-What... what is going on? Leave what? Suddenly I felt wide awake and scared.

-Femdomme. I am deleting everything and everyone. I have to cut all the ties....

* * * * *

We talked for hours last night. About everything. About why. Sometimes some of us venture out in the vanilla world and fall in love. We struggle so hard to make an existance in the world, no matter what our preferences are. Maybe we are at our most vulnerable when we fall in love with vanillas, because then our differences are so obvious to ourselves. There is a stigma attached to this lifestyle. We are considered weird, strange, KINKY. Some vanillas accept us with open arms, for who we are and the way that we were born. It was not our choice to be different, we simply are. Unfortunately, there are those that will never accept us.

Yesterday, S made a choice.

Saving one life, one future hope, S left. I hope it was the right decision, to eliminate this world from S's life. If not, I will welcome S back into my life with open arms.
I understand and I don't blame you, or hate you for it!
The fear of the normal world finding out what has gone on between closed doors was hard to handle. At the same time, the longing, the dreams of Dominance and submission are so strong that in order to cope with vanilla life, S cannot allow any traces of the past to exist.

I am part of that past .

Every day we sent the same text. "Hey, how are you?" The reply was just as short, but nonetheless meaningful. Today it was my turn to ask. I am still waiting for an answer.
I miss you....


unspeakable axe said...

I'm very sorry.

That's hard.

It's something I've debated myself. Guess I just haven't hit that point yet. I hope I don't.

Big hug.

secondfiddle said...

i experienced this too. but i did easily come to terms with it at that point, for love overshadowed everything else. but that applied to me, and ppl are different!

my best wishes to your friend.