30 Jan 2008

Snapshots of perfection

My own version of love, written ages ago...

* * * * *

We are walking across the cobblestones towards our favourite place in town. We are going for a taste of luxury, the day after payday, just like so many others. Quickly and with easy I place my heels in the right spots, even though I know I have your support if I would stumble. I want you. Now. I stop and pull you towards me.

Time is standing still.

Eye to eye on a square filled with people. Nothing is happening. Not that others can see at least. The wind has ruffled my hair, it is flying in all directions. A lock has found its way to my face. Partly it covers my right eye. A thin veil before my vision. It does not matter, the rest of the world disappeared on its own. I don't have to see it.

We are holding hands.

A couple in love, lost in each other, just like so many others this spring. You let go of my left hand and put the lost lock behind my ear. You touch my chin slightly in passing. Without saying a word, without letting go of my gaze. You smile and grab my hand once again.

I hurt you.

My nails find their way into your hand, into the soft tissue between your fingers. I know it is painful, hurts so much. I can feel my nails protruding your skin. I let go a bit, and then stab you again. I know it hurts more then. I want it to hurt. A lot.

You are smiling through the pain

You know why I hurt you. You see me as the one I am. You give me everything you have, your body and your heart. Perhaps even your soul. You don't like pain, not a lot of people do, but you love the pleasure I get from it. You see it as a test of your love for me, and maybe that is just what it is.

The blood trickles.

Your skin breaks. You never stop smiling, and your eyes never let go of mine. I meet your smile with my own. I lean forward and kiss you, my love. My toy and property. We are each others everything.

We are walking down the street.

One hand in the pocket, the other one is holding on to yours. Our heads are held high. Proudly we move among the ordinary, the normal ones. What is really normal? Our intertwined fingers are slowly turning red from the magic we just experienced. We are living life to the fullest. We have the courage to. We are on our way to get a cup of coffee.

An ordinary day for the unusual.

28 Jan 2008

I miss you....

It really is way to early, and I should be in bed sleeping. I am tired, it has been a long day and I need to sleep. I don't know if I will finish this post now, or if it will wait until morning, but I need to sort out my feelings right now.

The phone rang at 3 am.

Weary I picked up the receiver only to hear the voice of a very good friend of mine. Someone who has been in my life for what seems like an eternity. We have been through thick and thin. Both temperamental and emotional individuals, we have laughed, cried, and fought. No matter what we did, we always knew what the other one was thinking. S is important to me.

* * * * *

- Hi. I said, trying to shake the drowsyness


-How are you?

-I am alive. How are you? S's voice was soft and sad.

-I am fine. Why are you just alive?

-I am calling to say Good-Bye. I have to leave this, it is the last time you will hear from me.

-What... what is going on? Leave what? Suddenly I felt wide awake and scared.

-Femdomme. I am deleting everything and everyone. I have to cut all the ties....

* * * * *

We talked for hours last night. About everything. About why. Sometimes some of us venture out in the vanilla world and fall in love. We struggle so hard to make an existance in the world, no matter what our preferences are. Maybe we are at our most vulnerable when we fall in love with vanillas, because then our differences are so obvious to ourselves. There is a stigma attached to this lifestyle. We are considered weird, strange, KINKY. Some vanillas accept us with open arms, for who we are and the way that we were born. It was not our choice to be different, we simply are. Unfortunately, there are those that will never accept us.

Yesterday, S made a choice.

Saving one life, one future hope, S left. I hope it was the right decision, to eliminate this world from S's life. If not, I will welcome S back into my life with open arms.
I understand and I don't blame you, or hate you for it!
The fear of the normal world finding out what has gone on between closed doors was hard to handle. At the same time, the longing, the dreams of Dominance and submission are so strong that in order to cope with vanilla life, S cannot allow any traces of the past to exist.

I am part of that past .

Every day we sent the same text. "Hey, how are you?" The reply was just as short, but nonetheless meaningful. Today it was my turn to ask. I am still waiting for an answer.
I miss you....

25 Jan 2008


I went to the store yesterday. It should have been a trip like all others, and it almost was.
Someone stopped me in the aisle, right between the apples and avocados.

- Excuse me?
- Yes?
- I dont want you to think I am strange...

The elderly gentleman looked at me nervously

- Don't worry, how can I help?

- .... but I just had to say I think you are beautiful...
- Thank you, you have just made my day.

I walked away smiling

Beauty is one beast we constantly strive to controll, to be in charge of. Reports show that as much as ten percent of women in this country starve themselves in one way or another, chasing the beauty beast. Many blame the media: the papers contain articles on how to look good for your man, how to lose weight or be a Goddess in bed. They are not asking for much, just perfection. We are always told that women fall for charm and power, and men for good-looks. It is not surprising that magazines for men sell more copies if a hot chick is on the cover.

However, magazines for women sell more copies if a hot chick is on the cover!

The image of the gorgeous woman, and her oh-so-handsome sub can be seen everywhere. Not just in BDSM-magazines or on the internet, but in commercials, in fashion ads. I cannot count the number of letters I have received from submissives asking solely about my facial features, or my clothes.

- No, I do not walk around wearing fetish clothes all day
- No, I wont dye my long hair black, I like it the way it is
- No, I will not lose/gain weight for you, it is my body
- No, I will not get vampire teeth, even if you pay for them
- No, I will not be anything but myself!

I am though, just as fascinated by the images of beauty as the rest. I look through the ads for the perfect corset, the best waist-coat, the loveliest top, the skirt that has that little something.... Right now I am sitting here in a pair of new jeans, that look very good on me, but the buttons on my behind are in all the wrong places, and make sitting hard. Instead of taking them back to the store, I will suffer the hard metal against my flesh. I know that in a few hours they will hurt a lot, but at least they are cute...

As a woman and a Domme I am conflicted by my feelings regarding the image of the perfect Domina. She makes my imperfections stand out, when I am compared to her. She reminds me that I am human, and She is untouchable, unreachable.

At times I feel like I am Her...

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and there-in lies the problem. As I walked through the store I sang off key the same few lines "you'll never see how you are, you are, so beautiful to me, you'll never see..."

23 Jan 2008

Why are there no Dommes?

I have heard so many submissive men ask themselves: Why are there no Dommes? Why are dominant women so scarce, so hard to come by that finding one seems at times like the Quest for The Holy Grail? Under what rock are all the genuine ones, the lifestylers, hiding?

I must confess that today I am a bit upset.

Having been part of the scene for almost a decade now, I am jaded. I am used to being called Afentra, Padrona, Gozaimasu, Maitress, Mistress by those that do not really mean it. To be the worshipped Goddess, but also the whore.

-The whore???

So much literature, so many passages in human psychology deal with the dichotomy of the female image. Madonna or whore, Mistress or Wife, or in this case, Mistress or Vanilla. A Domme to many is somebody, or perhaps someTHING that is used to live a fantasy. By entering the BDSM-lifestyle submissives and Dommes reveal their sexuality. Even though BDSM is about so much more than just sex, it is one of the corner stones. Unfortunately, a woman who displays her sexual side is labelled a whore by many.

-Dommes are for sex, not for marriage.

I have heard that more often than I care to recall, lived and experienced it both personally and through others. The first few times reality hurt, then as time went by it mattered less and less. I learned to keep my heart to myself, to sort out the players and the on-lookers. Those looking for a quick fix. Sure, some still slipped under my radar, but at least the number diminished. A few genuine submissives were probably unjustly weeded out, as my criteria grew stricter, and for that I am sorry.

I spent part of yesterday evening explaining to someone that Dommes are human. That the lies he had told to a new, fresh Domme mattered. As he put it, it was never real. Dommes and submissives may live in a different world, but to the genuine ones it is more than just a game. It is about LOVE: our way of feeling it, showing it, giving and receiving it. Finally my words seemed to hit home, but I would not be surprised if he returns to playing with our hearts, Dommes are after all just imaginary beings in a fantasy world.

She too learned something yesterday, a lesson I wish she had been able to escape a little longer. She felt angry, mostly at herself for having trusted and desired someone who saw her as a distraction from an ordinary and boring life. I wish I could tell her that she probably WON'T encounter such an individual again, but instead I have to say that she probably WILL.

It really does not matter if it is a Domme who is hurting, or a submissive that has run into a fraudulent woman, posing as a Domme. This lifestyle is riddled with players from both sides, and they are tearing the scene apart from the inside.

Every day I fight to keep trusting, to stay away from cynisism and to believe that there is more. Every time my heart takes a blow, it becomes a little more difficult for it to peak out behind the thickening walls. Now, all I ask is that you take your time, be honest. Be real. Be careful with me.

In a perfect world genuine submissives and genuine Dommes would wear a sign, only recogniseable by their counterparts, displaying what we now keep hidden in our hearts. Until that happens, all we can do is support one another and keep battling hopelessness, jadedness and distrust. Take care of each other!

21 Jan 2008

Irresistable music

Depeche mode -
In your room

click to listen on youtube

In your room
Where time stands still
Or moves at your will
Will you let the morning come soon
Or will you leave me lying here
In your favourite darkness
Your favourite half-light
Your favourite consciousness
Your favourite slave

In your room
Where souls disappear
Only you exist here
Will you lead me to your armchair
Or leave me lying here
Your favourite innocence
Your favourite prize
Your favourite smile
Your favourite slave

I'm hanging on your words
living on your breath
feeling with your skin
Will I always be here

In your room
Your burning eyes
Cause flames to arise
Will you let the fire die down soon
Or will I always be here
Your favourite passion
Your favourite game
Your favourite mirror
Your favourite slave

I'm hanging on your words
living on your breath
feeling with your skin
Will I always be here

Is a slave allowed to be weak?

I have previously posed the question whether or not a domme is allowed to be weak, so it is only fair that I ask the same about slaves: Are slaves allowed to be weak, and lean on the Mistress for support?

In contrast to Mistress's loss of strength, a weak slave appears more natural. The Lady is the one in charge, the one literally holding the lead, and the submissive follows her obediently. To some, that is a sign of weakness. How can you be weak if you have the strength to put yourself completely at someone else's mercy?

A lot of submissives are service-oriented. They cherish bringing their Mistress a cup of coffee, or in my case, a glass of juice in the morning. That is a way to show their servitude, but also a means of turning a mundane situation into an act of submission, worship and adoration. Beautiful in its simplicity.

What happens when the roles are reversed? Sometimes the slave really is weak. Illness, a hard day's work or a painful session the previous day can lead to the submissive needing a soft touch, and a caring Mistress. On those mornings, it is the Mistress's responsibility to get out of bed before her property, and bring him what he needs so badly.

A role reversal?

Yes and no. With ownership comes responsibility. It is still just as much a D/s relationship, the domme is in charge and makes the decision to come to her submissive's aid. During times such as these, the bonds between Domme and submissive, between Woman and man are re-affirmed and strengthened. These are not one-sided relationships simply because the power balance is an unusual one.

"Love me the most, when I deserve it the least, because that's when I need it best."

20 Jan 2008

The Collar

If you look in the closet of someone practising BDSM you will find a lot of interesting things. Handcuffs, leather cuffs, whips. floggers, chains, clamps and gags are usually just the starter courses. Wartenburg wheels, fiddles, tens units, violet wands and hoods can be found in dark corners of more experienced users. There are so many accessories it would take me a day and a night to list them all. However, out of all of these, one item is more powerful than the rest.

The Collar.

There is no stronger symbol of slavery, of ownership than the collar.

Collars come in different sizes and shapes. Some are thin, some wide, some made of smooth leather, and others of hard metal. The most common kind is probably the play collar. Whenever I have gone to fetish parties, or talked to people in the scene, a lot of submissives own their own collars. A sign of their submissiveness and desire to serve, but something that is placed around their necks by themselves. I, too, have used collars during brief sessions, it is a great aid when dominating and using bondage. That is however, just a tool.

Another type of collar has a deeper meaning. We call them consideration collars. Being under consideration could in vanilla terms be translated into exclusive dating. There is something between those two individuals that others may not interfere with, though they are not yet in an official relationship.

The final category is also the most elusive, as well as precious one. The actual Ownership Collar. That is the kind that both submissives and dommes alike strive for, some acchieve that goal, whereas other spend their lives searching for it. In my personal view, such a Collar should be lockable. A padlock keeping the Ownership Collar securely in place whenever I want to see it around my slave's neck. Nobody can remove it but I. Nobody should.

This is by far the most beautiful collar
I have come across. Simple, and unyielding.
A collar for a lifetime....

18 Jan 2008


The door opens, and a beautiful woman dressed in leather and tall boots enters the dark basement, followed by a bound, leashed and visibly suffering male, begging for mercy.

- On your knees, you worthless piece of scum!

- How dare you touch Me?
- What gave you the right to talk to Me, to even look at Me?

The stereotypical Domme drags her submissive in a leash behind her, whilst she is barking out commands, making sure he does not forget that he means nothing to her. He can be replaced at any second, and any time he does not follow protocol to the letter he will be punished in the most severe manner. This works wonders in a play setting and is a "best-seller" in fiction and film, but what about in a D/s relationship?

I have, at play parties, been known to with a stern face give orders, and tell men to Get lost! but those have usually been directed at people I felt uncomfortable with. Some simply do not know when to stop, when to leave good enough alone. I prefer a different approach; to simply be myself at all times.

I cannot be in a fulfilling relationship unless I am able to express fully how I feel, and embrace all of me. As I so often say: If I am not all that I can be, I am nothing. I have to be a goof some days, I need a warm hug at times, I enjoy a good banter and I am a loving and highly protective partner. I am not going to give up any of that simply to fit into a Domme template. If I did, I would be giving up on myself.

Doesn't that apply to the submissive as well?

I am sometimes approached by those who immediately begin to explain that they are of no use to anyone, and I always respond in the same way:

- If you are completely worthless, without personality, skills or any likeable traits at all, why would I want you?

That is usually met by surprised glances, and a mumbling ;

- Well, perhaps not like that.... I just thought... I am beneath you....but there ARE things that I am good at....

The change is often quite amazing. He lifts his head, looks me in the eyes, trying to impress me with his personality and his skills, his openness as well as his eagerness to serve. That is in fact the only way to get my attention.

Once we step away from the stereotypes of the objectified slave and the yelling Mistress, we are able to create a real connection, something worth building more than an hour's play session on.
I want to walk with my head held high next to a slave that I am proud to have, both at my feet and by my side.

I want to be as proud of My slave as he is of his Mistress....

17 Jan 2008

Being A Woman.

In many cultures being a woman is ... well ... something despicable. Female children are given up for adoption or worse, put to death soon after birth simply for being female. Women are bought and sold, a dowry is exchanged to insure the future of the bride. Should the dowry be too small, the woman may look forward to a life in abuse.

So what is wrong with being a woman?

For me, there are three main disadvantages:
  1. Lack of physical strength - No matter how hard I try, I cannot open certain jam jars nor was I able to open the bottle of wine now standing in my kitchen. I tried, my friends tried but no; for that we need a man.
  2. The ability to park cars - Yes, men often make fun of women's driving skills when in fact men cause most of the accidents. However, one thing has always amazed me, and that is the ease with which a man can parallell park. Someone teach me please!
  3. Bad at taking risks - There are both advantages and disadvantages to risktaking. It is, after all risky, but then again, the world needs daredevils. So far, women are way behind men in that respect.

Now, there are quite a few advantages to being a woman.
  1. Longer lifespan - In basically every single culture, women outlive men by several years.
  2. Fewer diseases - having XX instead of XY has cut down on the number of expressed diseases. Women are still carriers, but in case of one faulty X we have another one to rely on, one of the reasons why e.g colourblindness is less common among females.
  3. More orgasms - Now that one speaks for itself, doesn't it?
  4. Multitasking - One of the most well-known female traits. We are able to talk on the phone, chat online, chew gum and do our makeup all at the same time.
  5. Intuition - Many cultures state that women have a stronger sixth sense then men, and the ability to intuitively sniff out secrets. Personally, I have watched my mother being a human guest alarm - letting us know to expect company in a few hours when all appears calm, and what is more, nine times out of ten she has been right!
  6. Debating - Good and bad. Women talk a lot more than men, and are able to express their opinions and feelings better. Perhaps from practise, perhaps from an innate difference. Fact remains, many women are able to kill an argument with nasty comment. We do need to learn to speak up even more, and to have the courage to stand up and out.

Women's shoes rule,
no doubt about it!


14 Jan 2008

Being kinky

I have always had a problem with the word kinks . When entering BDSM-forums, or just talking to someone with the same inclinations as myself, I am constantly asked to specify my kinks, or to fill out a kinks list. I usually avoid it.

According to Merriam-Websters dictionary the noun kink can mean 6 things:

1: a short tight twist or curl caused by a doubling or winding of something upon itself
2 a: a mental or physical peculiarity : eccentricty quirk b: whim
3: a clever unusual way of doing something
4: a cramp in some part of the body
5: an imperfection likely to cause difficulties in the operation of something
: unconventional sexual taste or behavior

In my case, the problem lies in the use of definition number 6; unconventional sexual sexual taste and behaviour. I am aware of the fact that BDSM-practisers are in a minority, when surveys are being conducted on "human mating behaviour" but is it really that unusual?

Some vanillas proclaim to fall in love with broad shoulders or with the chest. Others like to see dimples or praise well rounded buttocks. In BDSM that is known as partialism , and in most cases, it revolves around feet and/or fingernails.

Some vanillas like to roughhouse, and to be less than gentle towards their partners. That includes letting previously mentioned fingernails dig into the back, and many more things that you can imagine without me being too explicit. That tendency gives the term BDSM its last two letters.

Some vanillas find a woman that smokes a great turn on, others like to see their partners dressed in short skirts, or in a tank top and jeans. The BDSM-world has simply chosen three main materials; Leather, latex and rubber. Those are unusual materials, but far from all of us find them sexually exciting. In many ways they are simply used at clubs to keep vanillas away. Voyeurs do not want to spend money on fetish outfits just to see what goes on behind our closed doors.

My point is: sexual kinks are far from unusual. Lifestylers have chosen that word to define parts of our sexuality, when the vanilla world, which is also made up different preferences, does not see a need for it. If they can survive without it, then why shouldn't we? We strive to be accepted in a conformist world, yet in using the word kinky, we set ourselves apart.

The word kinky by the way, means according to Merriam-Websters

1: closely twisted or curled
2: relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex; also : sexually deviant
: outlandish, far out

I do not consider myself to be deviant, nor is what I do unnatural. It is simply a natural part of me that I have the courage and desire to express. It is true that my sexual preferences do not lie in a particular haircolour or other such feature, but having a preference is in no way unnatural. Not having one would be though. Luckily, the vanilla world is beginning to accept the way that we have chosen to express our desires, and the change is rapid. Perhaps that will eventually lead to the word kink being excluded completely, or the other scenario, used to describe vanilla preferences.

Could it be though, that by defining our sexuality as kinky, we have actually also defined ourselves as outlandish, and too far from the vanilla world for them to ever come together?

11 Jan 2008

Multilingual controllfreak

I happen to be a controll-freak, not unusual among Dommes. I want to know everything, and understand what goes on around me, and it has had its consequences.

Languages represent power.

The ability to use a language correctly is something I value, and I do find it to be a very attractive quality. We live in an international world, and being of both mixed descent, as well as having dated individuals from 4 continents during my time on earth, I am more than well aware of our shrinking planet.

Small as it may be, it still contains a lot of different languages. Seeing that I need to controll my environment, and want to understand what goes on around me has turned me into quite a linguist. I was 5-lingual before, but since entering the scene I have become 8-lingual, with varying fluency. The 8th one is an ongoing project and I am enjoying it. I also use every chance I get to keep up the ones I already know. One good thing is that it appears that the more languages you know, the easier it is to learn a new one.

Though unless my bookshelves are going to be filled with dictionaries alone, I had better stop meeting people that speak any other languages than the ones I already know....

9 Jan 2008

Horses breed Dommes?

I came across an interesting article in a local paper a couple of weeks ago and it has been on my mind since. Having worked with horses, and owning them as well, it struck a chord. Down below is a short summary of the article.

* * * * *

Girls with horses see themselves as pack leaders and become better bosses. They see themselves as resourceful, a new study shows.

The ability to interact with the horse separates horse back riding from other spare time interests. Women in stables are forced to show who is in charge. It affects their self-image and they begin to view themselves as resourceful and brave. The girls in the stables feel that they differ from traditional expectations on how a woman or young girl should be. They see themselves as leaders, the author states. It is the powerful animals, and what the writer refers to as the discourse in the stable, that develop the girls' ability to lead.

Events that occur with horses, for example that they tear themselves loose, force girls to intervene. It is a dangerous world where young women have to take charge against these big animals, the researcher further explains.

The girls in the study describe themselves as "unbothered" and a bit tougher than other girls.

* * * * *

I wonder if that means that the percentage of Dommes is larger among women with horses than those without? Maybe the free submissives should simply take jobs as stable boys, ready to serve. If nothing else, they will find themselves surrounded by strong and confident women.

Care to muck out my stable, anyone?

8 Jan 2008

Age Play

Age play is a term that in the BDSM-world represents a form of roleplay where one individual takes on the parenting of the other one, who is reduced to a child. However, unbeknownst to most people, there is a different kind of age play at work.

* * * * *

My friend looked at my with a frown, over her cup of coffee. We had been discussing her latest find; a young man, 7 years her younger.

- How many femdomme couples do you know where the male is older than the Domme? she asked.

- Hmm.... Let me think... 2 that I am sure of. Why?

- Well, think about it. Dominant women our age (around 30) seem to be involved with male submissives in their early 20s. Your last one was 5 years younger than you, and now here I am, contemplating a baby boy.

- He is not exactly a baby, but I do see what you mean. I said, curious to find out where this conversation was headed

- Yeah, and when you read the personals on CM, IC or Alt so many males seek a mature woman. Is that what we have become?

-Hey, I know my birthday is coming up, but I do resent being called a mature woman. I am NOT that old!

- Haha, I know. But let's get back to my original thought. How many non-femdomme couples do you know where the man is younger than the woman? Her eyes pierced into mine.

- Not a single one, I replied.

- I rest my case, she smiled as our conversation returned to her "baby boy".

* * * * *

What is it that draws the young submissives to older dommes? Our age? The fact that we are expected to know more about ourselves and thus be more confident? Are we supposed to train the next generation of subs and mould them into good toys just because of our age?

And most importantly, does turning 30 also turn me into a mature woman?!

6 Jan 2008

-You Are A Sadist, He Said.

-You are a sadist. I can see it in your eyes,
he said.

-I know I have sadistic tendencies, but I am not a sadist.

-Yes you are. I know it, I feel it.


- How are you?
said he.

- A bit tired but not upset any more.

- Ok. why were you?

- Just.. the feeling when I fell asleep wasn't nice...

- Tell me!

- Missing you.. wondering how far I would go as a sadist.

-You like that.

-Yes and it scares me.

-What situation is it you think of that scares you?

-Rage without control.


-What do you think of? Describe your desires, thoughts.

- It is so hard to describe
, to put into words.

- Try! Please try. speak your mind, dont hold back.

-I want to own.... I want to feel the power just surge through me, knowing that there are no limits. I want to let go....

- Name the worst consequenses.

- Markings, pain, death.


- I did something unusual today... I told him.

- Yes?

- I called up the guy I was with for a very long time.

We went out for pizza and I asked him if he had ever seen me lose controll.

He hadn't, not once.

I needed to ask him that.


-I want you get drunk while I'm tied down, just a bit, he said out of the blue.

- You know, I have only been drunk once. I don't want to lose controll.

- I know. I'm asking you to cross a limit.

- Yes....

- And then... You are not allowed to do anything to me. Be drunk. I'm serious.

- I believe you.

-Just have me tied down... Walk around with your whip. It's a test.

- A test?

- Yes, your own test.

- To see what I will do?

- No. You are not allowed to do anything.


- You just have to caress me and think of the things you want to do.
Controll the uncontrollable.....