14 Jan 2008

Being kinky

I have always had a problem with the word kinks . When entering BDSM-forums, or just talking to someone with the same inclinations as myself, I am constantly asked to specify my kinks, or to fill out a kinks list. I usually avoid it.

According to Merriam-Websters dictionary the noun kink can mean 6 things:

1: a short tight twist or curl caused by a doubling or winding of something upon itself
2 a: a mental or physical peculiarity : eccentricty quirk b: whim
3: a clever unusual way of doing something
4: a cramp in some part of the body
5: an imperfection likely to cause difficulties in the operation of something
6
: unconventional sexual taste or behavior

In my case, the problem lies in the use of definition number 6; unconventional sexual sexual taste and behaviour. I am aware of the fact that BDSM-practisers are in a minority, when surveys are being conducted on "human mating behaviour" but is it really that unusual?

Some vanillas proclaim to fall in love with broad shoulders or with the chest. Others like to see dimples or praise well rounded buttocks. In BDSM that is known as partialism , and in most cases, it revolves around feet and/or fingernails.

Some vanillas like to roughhouse, and to be less than gentle towards their partners. That includes letting previously mentioned fingernails dig into the back, and many more things that you can imagine without me being too explicit. That tendency gives the term BDSM its last two letters.

Some vanillas find a woman that smokes a great turn on, others like to see their partners dressed in short skirts, or in a tank top and jeans. The BDSM-world has simply chosen three main materials; Leather, latex and rubber. Those are unusual materials, but far from all of us find them sexually exciting. In many ways they are simply used at clubs to keep vanillas away. Voyeurs do not want to spend money on fetish outfits just to see what goes on behind our closed doors.

My point is: sexual kinks are far from unusual. Lifestylers have chosen that word to define parts of our sexuality, when the vanilla world, which is also made up different preferences, does not see a need for it. If they can survive without it, then why shouldn't we? We strive to be accepted in a conformist world, yet in using the word kinky, we set ourselves apart.

The word kinky by the way, means according to Merriam-Websters

1: closely twisted or curled
2: relating to, having, or appealing to unconventional tastes especially in sex; also : sexually deviant
3
: outlandish, far out


I do not consider myself to be deviant, nor is what I do unnatural. It is simply a natural part of me that I have the courage and desire to express. It is true that my sexual preferences do not lie in a particular haircolour or other such feature, but having a preference is in no way unnatural. Not having one would be though. Luckily, the vanilla world is beginning to accept the way that we have chosen to express our desires, and the change is rapid. Perhaps that will eventually lead to the word kink being excluded completely, or the other scenario, used to describe vanilla preferences.

Could it be though, that by defining our sexuality as kinky, we have actually also defined ourselves as outlandish, and too far from the vanilla world for them to ever come together?

2 comments:

Christian said...

If we just focus on sexuality, I would say it´s a fact that we are not vanilla compatible, as long as we are following our nature.(Remember what you said about being a gay in a normal marriage?)

So yes we are not the norm and differ from the vanilla world, nevertheless we are behaving normal/natural in our own standards.
Besides personally I am over the age were I cared much about fitting the norm. Important to me would be only that my partner/mistress(!) understands my desires and accepts me that way.

unspeakable axe said...

I often wonder if everyone feels..at some level..the same way I do, some are just too afraid to admit it.

Deviant? Maybe I am. Unnatural? No.