27 Feb 2008


A few updates:

No more threatening premonitions have been made, and hopefully no more will be made against my friend or myself. Let's hope it stays that way.

I have managed to de-clog the bathtub. It was a nasty job, but I am proud to say I did it all on my own. Some of the items on the list still remain, which means I blogg too much. New item: mowing my tiny lawn. Add gardener to the list of handymen!

My jeans gave in, or more precisely a button. I wish it hadn't despite the pain that they caused. Let me be the first to say it: Yes I am vain!

My friend got in touch, I could not be happier. S means so much to me. Nonsense can be the most important thing in the world when shared between two people. I will be sending a text tomorrow morning, with the words " Hi. how are you?"

My niece is getting bossier by the minute. Still a sweetheart, she reminds me of.. well me. Time will tell if I was right or wrong.

Finally. I have now officially become mature. An hour ago I left my 20s and turned 30. I wonder what the next three decades will bring, heaven knows these have been quite interesting.

Another tune

Darren Hayes -
click to listen on youtube

Been spending so much time underground
I guess my eyes adjusted
To the lack of light
I got
Covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

I have been waiting
Always waiting for something new
Happiness has always ended
In the blink of an eye
There was no one attending
No one attending

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I got covered in darkness
Covered in darkness
Ever wonder why I never really truly connect
Although my eyes are open
I can hold your gaze
But I am never connected
Never connected

I am famous for my generosity
They say I am the kindest
But it is easier to
Give than receive love
Give than receive love

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

Turning pages over
Run away to nowhere
And it's hard to take control
When your enemy's old and afraid of you
You'll discover that the monster you were running from
Is the monster in you

Better to hold on to love
Better to hold on to love
Change will come

It doesn't really matter where it all began
All I know
I was covered in darkness
Covered in darkness

It doesn't really matter where it all began
Cuz all I know
I was lost
I was lost
No, no

It doesn't really matter where it all began no no
All I know
I was lost
I feel lost

26 Feb 2008


Safe and sane. Two keywords in domination. Unfortunately a lot of people in the scene are in it because of things that they have gone through, experienced in the past. Hurting as a means to handle hurt. I don't wish to diminish their experiences in any way, shape or form, but I have so often heard submissives express that it did not work outbecause of her past.

I have a past too. Does that make me less sane?

I see myself as a well-balanced individual with good insight into my own reactions. I have spent a large amount of time trying to understand myself, and others. I have always found human reactions and emotions fascinating, not to mention the reasons for them.

I have feelings...

Well that did not come as a surprise for those who know me, and probably not for those who don't either. I don't have any problems expressing happiness, frustrations to do with work, restlessness or boredom, in fact, I seem to be doing that quite frequently. In general, I am a smiling woman who enjoys her life.

What about the other feelings?

Over the years I have become a master (or Mistress) at hiding emotions not traditionally ascribed a sane or stable personality. I have touched upon this subject before, and even though I can articulate it in writing, in real life I still opt out when I have the chance. I tell "white lies" in regards to my physical scars, and I do not reveal much about things that has hurt me in the past, for one simple reason:

I consider myself sane and strong.

I have been lucky, that life has allowed me to experience both good and bad. Some things were difficult at the time, but they have since proven valuable both in my professional and my private life. I still have one problem I will have to deal with one day, but it is under controll. In fact, that very affliction has helped me face people around me on their level several times last year, because I know what they are talking about. I would not want to undo any of it.

So why keep it a secret then?

I am not a Domme because of my past. The desire to dominate has been in me since childhood. Yet I am constantly worried that I will be seen as one of those that are domming for all the wrong reasons, that submissives talk to me about. I do not want to be perceived as the result of my experiences, or much less pitied, because I am a positive and happy person. It seems as though I cannot stress that enough in this post.

Maybe I have a harder time reconsiling my past with my present life as a Dominatrix than those around me do. Less than a handful of people know it all. For now, that is how it is going to stay. Maybe some day I will be able to show that part of me as openly as I do my smiles.

To those who have braved my secrets, and accepted them without judgement, thank you. To those that still do not know, be patient. It does not mean that you are any less important to me, it just means that I am afraid...

21 Feb 2008

Perfection on demand

A while back, after publishing a story I had written, I was asked by Secondfiddle to make an entry regarding my take on perfection. It has taken me a while to sort out my thoughts, and come to grips with what perfection is to me. At first, it seemed like an easy enough post, but I was very wrong. Still I am going to make an attempt.

The best things in life are the most simple ones. They are often things that we take for granted, assume will always be there, and yet, when we take the time to actually see them, they are nothing short of magical. To me, the sun breaking through the clouds on a grey day can mean that that day is perfect.

It is early morning and I wake up with an arm around my waist. Around the wrists are a set of leather cuffs, that I used to lock him in when we fell asleep. The feeling of his body next to mine, as I wait for the alarm clock to ring is one of being at ease. I am not perfect, but my imperfections are accepted. He knows that I am dominant, and I can release that side of me anytime I want to, but that is not why he is sleeping next to me that very minute. Whether I am dominant or not, happy or sad, goofy or serious, he is there because of me. He would love me even if I was a vanilla, just because of who I am, not what I am.

I can offer you glimpses of perfection but defining it, or even describing it is too complex for words. It can only be lived and experienced during fleeting moments. Still, I wanted to find out what Merriam-Webster says about perfection:

1: the quality or state of being perfect: as a: freedom from fault or defect a : flawlessness b: maturityc: the quality or state of being saintly

2 a
: an exemplification of supreme excellence b: an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence

: the act or process of perfecting

(I have to admit that any dictionary that would state that maturity defines perfection has my vote since it is only days before I turn 30..

I am going to pass on the challenge to fellow bloggers: Can you show me your take on perfection?

17 Feb 2008


Sometimes all you need is a friend, a bottle of German Kräuterlikör and some music to have a perfect evening.

Friendship is underrated...

Until next time!

15 Feb 2008

The Dark Side

The good side about the life I lead are all the interesting people I encounter.

The dark side about the life I lead are all the dangerous people I encounter.

Someone just popped up from the past. He calls himself a total slave, without limits, one who would even die for me. Never in my life, he calls every so often, wanting my attention. My affection. He wants to be in my heart, on my mind.

Today, his tactic was to make a threatening premonition against the life of one of my friends. I have had my life threatened before and to be honest, it does not bother me. When someone goes after my friends, I worry.

For every choice, every decision you make in life there is a price to pay. Since it is my life, I will pay what is due, but my friends should not have to suffer the consequences of my actions. I will do anything, pay any price for those I call friends. Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it, but I will not be driven into a corner by fear. I doubt much will come of what he says, but still... Getting to the one he mentioned would be very difficult, and for that I am glad. In a little while, I will sit down and write down what was said, and email a copy of it to my friend.

Just in case.

More Music....

Another beautiful song...

Trustcompany -
The slave in me

It always feels like the craving
Is unfolding in me
It's just as bad as it seems
So I'm looking around
'Cause I'm lost when I'm down
I was blind but now I'm starting to see

The slave in me
And now I'm falling again
I'm so close to the end
I can see the slave in me
And now I'm falling again
Don't know where to begin
Can you see the slave in me

It always feels like I'm shifting
And moving the line
But I'm still falling behind
Now it won't go away
And the feelings will stay
I can see I'm starting now to believe

The slave in me
And now I'm falling again
I'm so close to the end
I can see the slave in me
And now I'm falling again
Don't know where to begin
Can you see the slave in me

I can't take
One more day
I can't stand
To feel this way
Take away from me
Take away from me

The slave in me
And now I'm falling again
I'm so close to the end
I can see the slave in me
And now I'm falling again
Don't know where to begin
Can you see
Can you see
Falling again
Falling again
Can you see the slave in me
Falling again
Falling again
Can you see
Can you see
The slave in me

11 Feb 2008


Creativity to me is the ability to express yourself, in any way, shape or form. Some do it through writing, some by painting a picture. Others need to act out emotions, and others still show their creativity by putting one note after another on sheet music. Whatever the method may be, I believe that we all need to express our creativity somehow, because I think that we are all creative.

This lifestyle demands creativity.

You are in a dark lit room, candles are burning on the mantel piece and everything is calm. Your body is arched backwards, you are caught, helpless in a hogtie. There is no getting loose, 4 padlocks attached to the cuffs ensure that.n A large ball fills the inside of your mouth, pressing against your tongue and stretching your lips, making it impossible for you to speak. The gag also causes you to drool, and your mind cringes with humiliation as you feel the spit run down your cheek. Curious of what is to come next, you lift your head a bit and look up at your Goddess. There she stands, beautiful and strong, and scratches her head. After all of the effort of putting you in the restraints, she now has no idea of how to go on....

No, that is not a scenario that Dommes and submissives dream of late at night. Every encounter does not have to involve something new and untested, but when routine sets in the sparks disappear. Should that happen, the connection, the moment, would immediately be lost, and very difficult to rekindle. It is however, not just the Dommes job to be creative, the submissives actions are just as important.

I have recently found a new outlet for my creativity. I have begun to work with leather (for obvious reasons perhaps) and I have found that I am actually good at it too. Right now I am looking for new patterns and ideas of what I can do, make for myself. Any suggestions?

"The world is but a canvas to the imagination."Henry David Thoreau

9 Feb 2008

How to get yourself a Domme

A Dommes view on how to get, well, someone like me!

First of all you need to locate one. You could try going down to the local pub and ask the women there if they would care to whip and controll you, but that would probably just end in the humiliation of having drinks thrown in your face, and public slapping. Hmmm.. come to think of it, that just might be a good idea.

The BDSM community is ever growing and by now most countries have their own online community where submissives and dominants can interact. Some sites have taken on international proportions, such as Collarme or Alt. Some are more local but still quite interesting, i.e. IC.

Once you have decided where to search you then have to decide how to search. What are you looking for? Is is a play session, a longterm contract without feelings, someone to go clubbing with or a relationship with Ds-aspects? What kinks (though I dislike that word) is it that you need fulfilled? For some of you the list will be very long, for others it is simply about what the Domme likes. Whatever the case, you need to do a serious bit of soul searching before you go on.

Step three: The approach! The number one mistake submissive males make is to simply treat a Domme like just a Domme and nothing more. One-liners are seldom efficient, though there have been a few that have managed to get a domme talking to them with a good one.

3 approaches that did not work:

"Hi, I want you to step on me." Does that mean I should hop-to and to what you want me to? Nah, I prefer to do what I want to. Besides, I am more than just feet!

"Do you wear big rings and earrings?" Yup sometimes, but since that was all you wrote I won't bother answering. I am not here to simply satisfy your fetishes.

.. and one of the worst ones... I am not making this one up!

"I have developed somewhat irrational fear of woman known as gynephobia and also a hatred of them called misogyny. I have no known reason for the development of these two conditions. What I do know is that I now have dangerous thoughts concerned with causing physical harm to womankind. I dont want to bring this to the attention of the so called authorities because that will inevitably not serve my best interests and the county, state, federal systems of care often do more harm than good."

Ehm... fear of women..hatred even..dangerous thoughts.. physical harm... to the point where the authorities should perhaps be notified?! This letter went on and on in very much the same style. NOT a way to win me. I would like to stay alive!

The secret to finding a Domme is not so secret after all:

Be yourself. Get to know the Domme that you are approaching for who she is instead of what she is. Kinks can be very important to you and then you should try to find someone that matches them, but in the end, it is all about the connection between two people. If short-term play is what you are looking for the way that the Domme and sub interact is still what can make an ordinary session into something that will send you to cloud nine.

If we cannot be all that we are, then we are nothing. Dommes are women, daughters, sisters, mothers, just as submissives are men, sons, brothers and fathers. If we cannot be everything that we are in a relationship, that relationship will quickly become nothing as well....

3 Feb 2008

Ten reasons to stop blogging...

I have often been asked to describe the daily life of a sub of mine, what chores fall on him, and what he has to do to please me. There has only been one consistant answer: the dishes. I hate them with all of my guts. The rest, well they depend on the skills of the submissive in my charge.

I have made a new list of chores. This time it is a list of chores for me to carry out.

(Amazingly useful, those lists!)

1. Clean the cages - I am afraid it is not as exciting as it may sound. This time, the only things I keep in cages are guineapigs and birds. Yet, that is...

2. De-clutter the kitchen - the kitchen is the heart of the house. That makes it the one room that should never be allowed to be cluttered, yet mine is at the moment.

3. Booby-trap the bathroom cabinets - Next week a colleague of mine is coming by before we go out for drinks. He has confessed that he ALWAYS checks out people's bathroom cabinets, he cannot resist it. The plan is to take out the tooth brushes and soaps, and refill it with whips, gags, and cuffs. That should cure him of his illness permanently. Question is: Do I have the guts to?

4. Throw away clothes - charity here we come. Only vanilla ones of course!

5. Throw away shoes and boots - this one actually hurts a bit. The heel on my favourite boots broke this week. I miss them dearly and am trying to decide whether to get them fixed, or to get a new pair... Hmm... I think I will wait with that one for a while.

6. Put the shower curtain back up - I just need to find out how. The old holes where the screws used to be are now way too big, I need to invest in a carpenter!

7. Put up shelves in the storage room - boxes everywhere, just as would be expected after a move. I want them in good order. I really need to find myself a carpenter!

8. Fix my car - it has taken on a new life due to a hole in the exhaust system. Lift-off any second. Looks like I need a carpenter and a mechanic.

9. De-clog my bathtub - Yuck, yuck and yuck. Sometimes long hair causes problems. I really do not want to, but some things cannot be avoided. Plumber, mechanic and carpenter in one, the list keeps growing.

10. Stop blogging and get to work! - I probably should have started with that one....

I had better get to work, I should not keep myself waiting. I know tardiness is something I really hate...