Safe and sane. Two keywords in domination. Unfortunately a lot of people in the scene are in it because of things that they have gone through, experienced in the past. Hurting as a means to handle hurt. I don't wish to diminish their experiences in any way, shape or form, but I have so often heard submissives express that it did not work outbecause of her past.
I have a past too. Does that make me less sane?
I see myself as a well-balanced individual with good insight into my own reactions. I have spent a large amount of time trying to understand myself, and others. I have always found human reactions and emotions fascinating, not to mention the reasons for them.
I have feelings...
Well that did not come as a surprise for those who know me, and probably not for those who don't either. I don't have any problems expressing happiness, frustrations to do with work, restlessness or boredom, in fact, I seem to be doing that quite frequently. In general, I am a smiling woman who enjoys her life.
What about the other feelings?
Over the years I have become a master (or Mistress) at hiding emotions not traditionally ascribed a sane or stable personality. I have touched upon this subject before, and even though I can articulate it in writing, in real life I still opt out when I have the chance. I tell "white lies" in regards to my physical scars, and I do not reveal much about things that has hurt me in the past, for one simple reason:
I consider myself sane and strong.
I have been lucky, that life has allowed me to experience both good and bad. Some things were difficult at the time, but they have since proven valuable both in my professional and my private life. I still have one problem I will have to deal with one day, but it is under controll. In fact, that very affliction has helped me face people around me on their level several times last year, because I know what they are talking about. I would not want to undo any of it.
So why keep it a secret then?
I am not a Domme because of my past. The desire to dominate has been in me since childhood. Yet I am constantly worried that I will be seen as one of those that are domming for all the wrong reasons, that submissives talk to me about. I do not want to be perceived as the result of my experiences, or much less pitied, because I am a positive and happy person. It seems as though I cannot stress that enough in this post.
Maybe I have a harder time reconsiling my past with my present life as a Dominatrix than those around me do. Less than a handful of people know it all. For now, that is how it is going to stay. Maybe some day I will be able to show that part of me as openly as I do my smiles.
To those who have braved my secrets, and accepted them without judgement, thank you. To those that still do not know, be patient. It does not mean that you are any less important to me, it just means that I am afraid...
7 months ago