Domme turns vanilla?

*This posting does not apply to the wonderful submissives that I know and that have treated me like a human being!*

I am tired now. Really tired of feeling like a living experiment.

Let me explain:
Yes my personality is dominant, and it is something I want in a relationship. That's it, there is the ugly word: relationship. I want to feel something for the person I am dominating. Sure , I can take the ropes out of the bag and turn anyone into a helpless pile on the floor, or order someone down on his knees to kiss my boots and and feet, but when it all comes down to it, it is not the same. It will not make my eyes light up with joy and pleasure, it is just a robotic game. It is not what I want.

Unfortunately there are too many that seem to believe that us Dommes exist for them to live out their dreams. They want to test and find out if they are really submissive, or if it is a vanilla life they need. - How else will I ever know what I want I constantly hear.

I am not a crash test dummy!

A lot of submissives say that it is just about what WE want but then start listing what THEY want. Only today I received a one-line-letter (one of several) -I want to strip for you on web cam

-Oh, good for you...!

Yes, I am angry, tired and bored. I am sad that it is only my dominant side that matters to so to so many. I am more than just a Domme. I speak to other dominant women that say the same thing. Some leave the lifestyle because of it, others stay. A close friend of mine now charges: - If I am going to be used, I might as well use! as she put it.

What about me then?

I notice that I spend less and less time in the scene here. I long for the genuine group that I once belonged to abroad, where it was about a lifestyle and not bedroom games (even though those can be fun as well). Those that remain call for me, and want me to come to them. To travel to a foreign country to be myself.

Should that really be necessary?!

I keep hoping for a little while longer, but only for a while. I do not want to live my life as a false vanilla...