14 Dec 2007

The fine line between BDSM and vanilla

How do you find the perfect balance between vanilla and BDSM in a relationship where both aspects are included? I have previously experienced both of the extremes, and come to the conclusion that neither one is what I require in the long run. There are those that now would sneer: A 24/7 relationship where one partner is totally submissive and the other one totally dominant, isn't that perfect?

Let me explain what I mean:

The easiest thing to do in today's world is to settle for an equal relationship spiced with the missionary every Friday night, and on birthdays. To accept being like everyone else, to not deviate from the bell curve's highest point. I have tried to live this way, and realised that by doing so I give up on a large part of myself. Sure, I can function in a normal relationship, but that does not mean that it is something that makes me blissful.

The other extreme is a relationship where D/s is the only active component. Where my will is law, and where I do everything I want to. He has no chance to choose, no possibility to decide over his destiny, and I have no reason to take his feelings, reactions, pain tolerance and preferences into consideration when I plan our lives. The only thing I need to think about is his health and survival, because who wants to play with a broken toy?

A lot of people would say that the latter is real BDSM, the true version and that the rest is just games. My own experience tells me that even if that was very exciting and interesting, yes even rewarding for my dominant self, there was a component lacking there as well. In the long run it turned into a familiar masquerade. "This slave obeys, Mistress" is the answer to every command. "This slave agrees with your every opinion, Mistress" when one wants do discuss something interesting in the news. PERFECT some Dommes would say.

I guess I need some resistance in life. Not to the degree where I want to tame a dominant individual but that I need to embrace all sides of my personality. I need intelligent discourse, I need someone who can partake in my mundane existence, and at the same time someone who is aware of what I am: A strong woman with a huge need to control and desire to play.

For me it is just about finding the balance between those parts, but when does that occur?

1 comment:

AnIcelandicFish said...

I see the situtation described as pure 24/7 as unreal in the good case, and boring in the bad case, and this refers to both the domme and the sub. i believe the right balance occurs when there is love between the two sides. Big word, love, but that doesn't have to be "lover's" love, though that would be ideal. There are many forms of love, and when one loves his domme and vice versa, it all becomes natural. The desire to serve a domme originates in love, worship, adoration, respect - one leading to the other and not necessarily in that order; when that is the case the domme may be herself, and same goes for her sub. the role of both is clear, and when strictness is in place it will be clear for both sides. From a sub's point of view the desire to truly please the domme is fundamental; when that is the driving force for his behavior and acts, a 'normal' vanilla routine is the result.